8 Ways to keep it real after winning the lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

So you’ve done it! Against odds similar to that of being canonised, you’ve won the jackpot.

But how does one stay causal when one has enough money to use the pronoun ‘one’ in cold blood? Luckily, the guru is here to help.

1. Keep your day job! Too many winners resign just to crawl back to their janitor’s mop once funds dry up. Keep working, but make it obvious you don’t need to. Do as little work as possible, and spend all day complaining you hate your job. For most of you, this will mean business as normal.


2. Go on a Butlins family holiday with your nanny and entourage.


3. Think diamond in the rough. Buy brand-name tracksuits, heavy gold earrings, or a large amplifier for your Ford Mondeo. Surround yourself with items that brag “I’m rich, but I’m not going to brag about it.”


4. As your free time will be spent spending money, get your butler to keep you updated on the plot twists in your favourite soaps. This way you can still join in the gossip with 'the commons' around the water cooler.


5. Spend one day a year visiting the poorer districts of Monte Carlo


6. Live the same as before hitting the jackpot, but more expensively. Smoke a stronger strain of weed, drink imported German beer from chipped pint glasses, and when yelling at your illegitimate (but charming) children use expensive swear words, like ‘bugger' and 'damnation.'


7. Always be aware of the price of milk.


8. Don’t give anything to charity; the good vibes gained from buying new possessions last much longer, and will win you more respect from your friends.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Read part 1 of this post - Guaranteed ways to win the lottery.
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How to win the Lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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