Why the Guru is Great and Wikipedia is Wicked

I'm back from my holiday, and will shortly be sharing some of the enlightenment the USA imparted to me. But in the meantime, here's a fan's question from my previous post on Chinese Superstition.

Are you serious? Forgive my rude behavior, but that was scarcely even informative. Besides, the part where you did supply a minimal amount, in which was not completely absurd, it was pasted off an unreliable source such as wikipedia. Is this site supposedly an informative one or merely for amusement?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous.
(What a name! Were your parents especially introvert?)

To misquote Tennessee Williams (a writer in case they don't teach culture during afternoon repeats of wrestling) ‘What a fantastic question! Fantastic of you to think of it and fantastic of me to answer it!’

But then, I'm that kind of Guru. I have always depended on the ignorance of strangers.

And it's nice to hear from a true fan, someone who takes the time and effort to comment with their question rather than spend 30 seconds looking at the blog to the answer themselves. That's devotion, and I thank you for it. But then so often it is the most devoted disciple who is also the neediest. The proficient disciples seem to spend most of their time trying to be bigger than me. I encourage their quest, providing their share the secrets with me when they discover them. I've been using one of those pumps for years but to no avail.

My Pilgrim, you may consider your rudeness forgiven. I will admit that at first I assumed you were a bit Buddha, but then saw your Americanised spelling of ‘behaviour’ and suddenly everything made sense.

To answer your question this blog is designed to be a place where I can share my wisdom, which was first communed to me by a stuffed, orange toy snake, who inspired me to meditate for 8 hours a day on top of a 15 foot pole overlooking Bristol. If that sounds as if it is ‘merely for amusement’ you should see what some other religions believe!

And regarding Wikipedia, did you know that absolutely everyone can edit it, giving it the highest number of editors ever involved in a single project? Have you ever spoken to an editor? They’re hideously anal. If there was a dispute over the origin of Chinese Superstitions, they’d not only know about it, they’d have written a 500 page essay about it and then commenced to argue about the punctuation.

And besides, Wikipedia, is easy. I'm not going to lug the Complete Encyclopedia Britannica up my pole every time I need to know what Stereographic projection is.

Hope this helps, or at least encourages you to comment again and give me more inspiration.

Marcus

If you are looking 'merely for amusement' then Humor Blogs might be what you're looking for.

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Recent Posts
• The insecurity of Airport Security
  
• Why are the Chinese afraid of the colour white?
  
• 10 ways to improve your Self-Confidence
  

Airport Security

Because the wife has decided we aren't bonding as a family recently she's taking My Little Girl and I to Disneyworld. God knows where she got the money from; it certainly didn't come from me - all of my Giro goes on Guru expenses. Obviously her illegal day care centre is growing in popularity. It's certainly messing the house p more than it used to. I mean, honestly, the woman stays at home all day, you'd think she could at least tidy up as a bit.

As the Man of the household it's apparently my job to pack the suitcase.

Airports are crazy about safety at the moment, scanning your bags, your toothpaste, your il etc and I have enough trouble with the police force as it is. There's something about a man up a pole that makes people nervous, and the local constabulary still visit every other month to check that I haven't built a bomb yet.

So the last thing I want to do is put something in our suitcase I'm not supposed to. I'm flying to America after all, the home of terrorism, and the cute little colour scheme they have to let the terrorists know when it's safe to attack. So I've been reviewing the latest guidelines for airport security and here are some of the things you are not allowed in your luggage.

1. Tweezers
   Because I don't know about you but there's no better way of passing time on a long haul flight than by styling my eyebrows


2. Knitting needles
   "Take this plane to Washington, or I'll make you wear this itchy sweater."


3. Billiard, snooker or pool cues
   Not for any saftey reason, but the stewedess get bored of being prodded by them.


4. Catapults
   Dennis the Menace takes down a boeing 747


5. Darts
   50 points if you can hit the air marshall


6. Poisons, arsenic, cyanide, weedkiller
   I'm not even allowed this in the hold. Surely if I want to destroy some weeds, or kill somebody when I land that's my business?


7. Wet car cell batteries
   But how will I power my mobile phone?


8. Radioactive materials
   But I never go anywhere without my uranium 232


9. Flammable liquids and solids
   So no deodrant, hairspray, clothing...


10. Infectious substances
    So you're telling me I can't take this plague carrying rat to the Americas?


11. Magnetrons
    The other X-men characters are allowed however


12. Organic peroxides
    If you don't do what I say right now everyone on this plane ends up looking like Eminem


13. Tools Toy/replica guns (metal or plastic)
    Real guns however don't appear to be a problem.

Marcus

Why is White the Colour of Death to the Chinese?

This blog is up for a best of blog awards. Please help me avoid coming in last by voting for me everyday until further notice. Thank you.

Dear Guru

Why is white the color of death to the Chinese? It's a real pain in my arse. One time I gave Poor George this very pretty white scented candle and he just about had a fit. "You never give something white to a Chinese person!" he proclaimed.

Coaster Punchman

I don't want to be responsible for strengthening your relationship, but have you tried just asking him why? I understand your reluctance if not however. If he's freaked out by a candle who's to say how he'll react when you question his heritage. No matter how much your cat pictures annoy me I wouldn't wish murder on anyone.

As a species superstition is built into us as a survival instinct. If a tiger rips our heads off we learn, pretty quickly, that tiger's are bad and invent the spear. But this can also misfire. For example, if one person buys a rabbit's foot and has a stroke of luck, the mind links the two together. The end result is a lot of unlucky, slightly poorer people and a boom in the Bunny wheelchair trade. Even worse than this we can't accept this life is all there so we invent things to make life more exciting. That’s why, for example, when 2000 years ago an unwed teenage mother had an unplanned pregnancy and blamed it on God, she became famous enough to appear in oil stains and cooked bread. Thankfully, those who've reached guru status know that all superstitions are foolish. Except those about Nirvana, black cats and Richard Gere.

Regarding Poor Georges Chromataphobia, it is entirely possible it is unique to him. Maybe his mother suffered from a cleanliness OCD and kept the house spotless. As white shows dust without mercy it would have been contraband, and so he was trained, as a child, to fear white. Not knowing any different he would naturally assume that all Chinese people felt the same way. All of our religions have been spread in a similar way. Or it could be that some lover of white in his town was blighted by misfortune. The brain links, the rumours spread and before you know it sales of Daz plummet.

The fear of white does seem to be documented however, albeit very sparsely, so we can assume Poor George is not alone in this delusion. Perhaps the great firewall of China has prevented the western world from discovering the true extent of the superstition, indeed no-one seems to be sure why these phobia exists but the most likely reason white is associated with death is due to the white cloth used to enshroud corpses, the pale skin of a dead person, and the stark whiteness of bones and skeletons.

In the Western world we bury our dead in sombre coloured dress suits and don't have a habit of looking at skeletons for entertainment, so we associate black with death instead.

In short though, we may never be certain why the Chinese fear the colour white until the Aliens that founded the human race come back and explain themselves. And as this won't happen till 2012 (as everyone knows) we've still got a while to wait.

And to be honest, surly any American citizen would be horrified if you offered them something white after labour day.

Marcus

Ask me your Questions! You may even get Answers

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10 steps to greater Self Confidence.

Dear Guru,

How can I get more self confident

Juliane

Dear Pilgrim.

I feel your pain. We've all faced hard times; when our get up and go gets up and goes; when we feel worthless and pointless and it seems no-one loves us, when we feel completely alone, stuck on my pole, isolated & misunderstood, no-one caring if I live or die; as if I might as well kill myself in the morning and....

Sorry. Excuse me a second. [....]

As I was saying, we've all had our self esteem fail us. My self confidence suffered terribly when I was a salesmen. You might find it hard to believe, given that I'm naturally suave and sophisticated, but selling is not my forte, and my failure to hit targets drove me into depression, to the point where it was a relief to come home to wife at the end of every day! My sales did improve briefly near the end of my employment but only because I cried so much people brought my policies out of pity.

Finally, I saw the light and spent several minutes researching how to improve my self-confidence, sourcing the whole of the World Wide Web to find the best techniques, and thus became the amazing person I am now. And here, for the first time, I will share these tips with you.

10 ways to increase your Self Confidence

1. Use the NLP Swish to change your negative self-images with confident ones. This amazing technique can also bring about inner calm, personal successes and World peace.


2. Surround yourself with ugly people.


3. Make the voices in your head sound like someone you hate. That way you'll feel really good telling them to 'Shut the f*** up!'


4. Love yourself. But I'd suggest refraining from doing so in public.


5. Join a low self-esteem club. Surrounding yourself with people who continuously put themselves down will make you feel great in comparison.


6. Take small, slightly illegal, risks everyday. Nothing boosts your self-confidence like a spell in prison.


7. Exercise. This won't help your self confidence, I just think you could just stand to lose a few pounds.


8. Find a highly confident, successful, superior and generally amazing mentor to guide you to confidence. My prices start at $100 an hour.


9. Prevent negative thoughts by sticking your fingers in your ears and singing loudly. This will also keep people away from you as you'll look a bit Buddha.


10. And finally, get your mirrors Gaussian Blurred.
    

Hope this helps.

Marcus

P.S. Research shows that daily laughter increases your self confidence. If so Humor Blogs is the cheapest therapy around.

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Ask me your Questions. I'll tell you no lies

• How can I cure my Chav Obsession?
  
• Can I have your wisdom teeth?
  
• What the devil are you doing up a pole?
  

And that's the Tooth...

Dear Guru,
I am in the most desperate of situations and wish to seek your wisdom. My dentist has just told me that he needs to extract my wisdom teeth. Can I have yours please?

TomtheTwit

I've never been asked to give anybody a body part before. Well, except for that, and even then not very often. My wife is more the giving type, giveing love, hugs and occasional tips on how to improve myself. I've certainly never been asked to give a bone fragment. Either way, my purpose is to share wisdom, not Teeth, and as such I must decline.

Wisdom teeth are so called because they come in later in life, presumably when the grower is wiser. This was certainly true in my case, I didn’t become wise until I started listening to Luke, my toy snake. It’s amazing how much a man grows up when he stops playing around with his snake and takes it seriously instead.

Personally, I’ve never had any teeth out, wisdom or otherwise. The wife drags us to the dentist every six months, stating it’s for the Girl’s sake; she’s worse than a politician with that - anytime she wants something she'll make believe we’re doing it ‘for the children.’

The dentist always praises my teeth. Obviously the hours I spend panic brushing beforehand do their job. The Wife however always has something wrong, her teeth are so full of fillings now that the local thieves keep trying to steal them for scrap metal, and last time we went to the dentist she had to have 4 extractions. I took a whole day off from meditation just to carry her home and watch her bleed all over the couch.

I did get some fun out of it though. With her mouth too sore to eat she needed liquid food supplements instead. I’ll never quite forget the look she gave me when I mentioned quite loudly in the queue at Boots that she’d ‘forgotten to buy her Slimfast.’

Of course there are some benefits to having your wisdom teeth removed. For example, identify you from your dental records should you be killed in a plane crash. And according to rumour it makes you better at performing the act of Fellatio. Personally, I haven’t had a chance to test this, the wife spends most of her time around the neighbour’s house nowadays, but it might please you to know there are benefits to the painful extraction you are about to face, especially if you’re relatively flexible.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

All your Questions are belonging to me.

• What the Devil am I doing up a Pole?
  
• Why the hell do we say Dawg?
  
• How can I make it big in journalism
  

What The Devil Am I Doing Up A Pole?

Dear Guru

Okay, there's something you can enlighten me as to ... how does a man balance atop a pole for eight hours while still managing to think clearly? Nothing for nothing there, Mr. Freelance, but it's got to be pretty uncomfortable sitting up there in that position for that long? How does one achieve enlightenment without becoming impaled?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Linda

I haven't actually 'balanced' for some time now. You may feel I’ve been lying to you, but that’s not true. Gurus never lie, they're annoyingly honest. We tell the whole truth to everyone. We can’t help it. Cheating husbands learn to stop their wives walking past us just incase.

There was a time when, a new naive guru, I did try to balance. I made it is as easy as possible. Many Gurus balance on flagpoles; I decided to balance on a telegraph pole instead.

But installing a telegraph pole in my back garden was no easy matter what with planning permission and architectural blueprints, not to mention the interior decorator. It took two cranes to hammer the pole into the ground, and by the time it was complete the neighbours had reported me as a public disturbance, although they claimed the noise had nothing to do with it.

When the pole was finally erected, which took 5 weeks for some reason, I grabbed Luke, my snake, and climbed its heights. Believing balancing to be an aid to meditation, I took a deep breath, enjoying the purer air, and raised my leg into the stance of the flying crane. I later learned this stance should only be attempted by professionals after years of training. And even then it should never be performed up a pole on a Blustery day.

Well no-one needs to tell me twice and, after 3 or 4 more attempts and several hospital stays, I installed a platform at the pole’s top, a job that required 4 men, 9 days and 54 unionised tea breaks.

I climbed onto my safer platform and stepped into my Tai Chi Kata. From the fighting monkey stance, I leaned forward into a punch slipping over on some bird mess on the way. It was probably the most dramatic Tai Chi Kata ever performed.

My wife asked me to stop balancing after that; it was ruining her lawn.

And so nowadays I sit. The pole, I’ve discovered, is the important thing. What you do at the top of it can be left between a Guru and his Snake.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Things that make you go 'hmm?' The Guru has the answer.

• What is the origin of 'Dawg'
  
• How can I make it big in journalism?
  
• Why do birds always poop on my car?
  

The Origins of Dawg

Dear Guru

What's the origins of the American male usage of "dawg".

Wassup dawg, you're my dawg, yeah, dawg...

Ally

I thought that this was obvious.

The word was invented by Randy of American Idol fame as a way of making the millions of viewers, all of whom have IQs that can be measured on the rictor scale, think he was cool.

Legend has it that he thought of the idea when listening to a dog howl outside his mansion in the night. The misguided judge was so impressed by the off-key intonation that he gave the dawg it's own moniker.

To this day the word dawg is used to refer to someone who is cool, sings off key, and hasn't had a bath in a month.

Marcus

Ask me your Questions

• Can I make it big in Journalism?
  
• Why do birds poop on my car?
  
• Can I keep it real after winning the Lottery?
  

10 Ways To Make It Big In Journalism.

Dear Guru,

Great to see you here with the feeelance advice?? What advice can you give me, I would like to persue freelance journalism???

സപ്ന അനു ബി. ജോര്‍ജ്ജ്

Well, firstly, try limiting your use of terminal punction to once per scentence.

Secondly, Freelance Journalism seems an odd thing to pursue. I imagine you stalking through the words, a loaded pen over your shoulder. “Be vewy vewy quite. I’m hunting wumors.’

It's a difficult career, and the fact is that no matter what channels you use no-one will ever publish any of your work, give you any tips, or help you if you get hit by a bus. But if you are willing to try anything, here are some more unique ways to get your foot in the door.

1. Don’t. Most people are not meant for Freelance Journalism the same way that most people are not meant to be parents. Just because lots of people attempt it doesn’t make them any good.
   
   
2. Hang around post-boxes and steal the post of anyone who looks like a writer. Claim their ideas, and postage stamps, as your own.
   
   
3. Walk around with a ‘Press’ card stuck into your hat band.
   
   
4. Get a gimmick. Write ‘and that’s not how Monkeys do it’ in every article you pen.
   
   
5. Get a Dictaphone and secretly record your friends’ conversations. Type up the transcripts and use them to expose your friends as communists. This won’t help you get a job as a Freelance Journalist, it’s just something that needs to be done.
   
   
6. Start a rumour that Mel Gibson experienced priestly child abuse.
   
   
7. Find a celebrity who lives near you and begin stalking them. When they ask you to stop, complain that they’re elitist, arrogant and rude. Call up the tabloids to complain.
   
   
8. Write about Princess Diana. This is almost always universally publishable.
   
   
9. Stage a hunger strike until the local papers publish your article.
   
   
10. Have an affair with some Communist Prostitutes and send an exposé on yourself to the tabloids.

Finally, do your research. Not all publications publish or want the same thing. Read things before you write to them. That way, for example, you may realise that not every blog with ‘Freelance’ in the title is about freelance journalism.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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• Why do birds always poop on my Car
• 8 Ways to keep it real after winning the lottery
  
• Who or what is the Freelance Guru
  

Why Do Birds Always Poop On My Car?

Oh wise one,
Thank you for showing that ducks need the attention they deserve.

But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?

Grimm

My feelings on birds have been made clear, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.

I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is widely believed that birds have colour preferences. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.

They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.

If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.

If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.

You could:

• Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.
  
• Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,
• Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon
  

Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.

To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The Guru has the answers. Do you have the question?

• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  
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Losing my Religious aid

All Gurus need an iPod. Without radio 4’s podcasts, and Britney Spears whimsical lyrics, I couldn’t cope with the more political, topical and rhythmical issues raised by my Pilgrims. It also helps when my mother-in-law visits.

Even the headphones are useful; they give me an excuse to ignore people.

A few days ago, for example, I was walking home through Lawrence Hill. Lawrence hill, as everyone knows, is a 'dodgy area', the home of Bristol’s tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe illegal substances. If Bristol had a Ghetto, it would be afraid of Lawrence Hill.

So I was somewhat alarmed (Guru’s are never afraid) when a resident started shouting at me. "Hey," he shouted, "Hey you!" In Bristolian this roughly translates as 'giv meh awl ya Doe' and, to quote the philosopher Socrates, 'screw that!' Fortunately however, because I was wearing my headphones (even though I wasn’t listening to music,) I was able to pretend I couldn't hear him. Without a second glance I walked past and headed home. The shouts got angrier, fainter, and faded away.

I was very satisfied (gurus are never proud.) It was a victory. I had managed to ignore some Bristol scum, the kind of person who so desperately needs my help and should hurry up and come to my pole to get it.

It wasn't until I got home and took off the headphones that I found they weren't connected to anything. Panicking (calmly, Guru’s are always calm) I searched my jeans, my bag, my underwear, even the secret hollow section of pole my wife doesn't know about. My iPod, my one distraction from the tediousness of the infinite, was gone.

The stranger wasn't after my riches, he was trying to give them back. I must have dropped the iPod and he was warning me. Through my ability to ignore people I had lost the thing that most helped me ignore them

That night, to atone for my pride, I tried to meditate for an hour longer than normal, but it was just too much of a strain without Britney to keep me company.

Marcus

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How to win the Lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.

Ask the Guru. Find your Answer

• Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
  
• Why do ducks stand on one leg?
  
• Why do we link red to love and anger?
  

9 Reasons to be Afraid in 2012

As 2012 approaches, rumours are emerging of it's disastrous consequences. Frankly, I'm getting bored of panicked pilgrims, so here, in no particular order, are the actual 9 major tragedies of 2012.

1. We will all have to live through another Presidential Election.


2. Asteroid 334-Eros will pass within 17 million miles of Earth, If it earth were the corner pocket this is the equivalent of bouncing off the cushion and hitting the cat. Nonetheless, astronomers will get very excited and run to their observatories, leaving their families to fend for themselves.


3. US troops will hand back control of the Korean Military. Congress will declare a war to keep the troops busy.


4. The Freedom Tower will be completed in New York causing the terror threat to be raised just in-case some terrorist somewhere tries something with it at sometime.


5. There will be an annular Solar Eclipse - for 3 whole minutes hundreds of people will be unable to see where they left their keys.


6. The UK will turn off analogue broadcasting; millions of pensioners will miss Countdown. Mass rioting will ensue, albeit it very slowly.


7. The Sun’s magnetic poles will flip; it's inhabitants will get briefly lost when their compasses start pointing backwards.


8. The Mayan calendar will roll over from 12.19.19.17.19 to 13.0.0.0.0. The Mayans will have to buy a new calendar. They will also have one hell of a New Year celebration. There is no evidence to suggest the Mayans believed the world would end when their calendar did, although possibly they were worried that their computer clocks would reset to 0.0.0.0.1.


9. The Earth's population will excel 7 billion people, making it impossible to find a free parking space

That's it! Nothing else to worry about. Now please, Panicking Pilgrims, stop bugging me!

Oh, and don't forget to leave some change in the bowl on the way out...

Thanks to Skeptoid.com for inspiring this post

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Helping Stacey Come

Dear Guru

Will Stacey be allowed to come tommorrow?

Darrenshine

What is stopping Stacey coming I wonder? Does she have an overly strict mother? A selfish lover? Is she forced to stay at home and cook for the children?

Does Stacey trust you? She may not want to come if she feels nervous around you. When I feel anxious, I talk to my stuffed snake, Luke. Maybe you have a stuffed snake Stacey can talk too? Maybe stroking your snake will help her feel more relaxed about coming? Try to find an average sized snake however as most woman feel intimated by very big ones.

Perhaps Stacey is agoraphobic? Does she panic when she opens the door and sees how far away the horizon is? If so this would be why she cannot come as she cannot leave her house, and it may be necessary for you to come to her instead. Blinkering Stacey may help here! A riding crop may be needed however to make her come and keep her focused.

Maybe Stacey believes coming will send the wrong message. A woman must be careful, at least until marriage, after which she will probably never come when you want her to again. If she feels she can trust you she will come eventually. Treat her to some wine, this has encouraged many women to come before.

If however, it is Stacey’s mother stopping her from coming, more drastic measures are required. Engage all your charm by letting her mother come first. By giving her mother this honour and letting her come before her daughter she will be able to see you are a caring, non-threatening, morally erect gentlemen, and Stacey will be allowed to come before you know it. As an added bonus, this 'let them come first' technique works on fathers and husbands too.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

The Guru has the Answers. Click here to ask the question.

• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  
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Slightly Unbalanced Duck Tails

Dear Guru

Why do ducks tuck up one leg when sleeping?

Autolycus

Birds! Don’t get me started! Everyone thinks birds are beautiful, graceful creatures. They glide on a few air currents or sing at first light and get songs or poetry written about them. But they become somewhat less poetic when I'm meditating on top of a 15 foot pole and they use me as a perch. During mating season, I had bits of twig and straw in my hair for weeks.

Ducks are the worst of all. They beguile children to give them bread with cute stories about turning into swans, and then they excrete all over the banks of lakes and rivers, causing innocent children to fall in. They cover their wings in water droplets and then shake them dry, soaking innocent bystanders. And when innocent Guru’s are blissfully meditating on the infinite, ducks fly up next to them and squawk loudly in their ear. Being shocked is never a good thing, but it's somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced on a pole 15 foot above the ground.

I get my revenge however. Because their legs and feet have 3 times more blood running through them than the flying muscles do, ducks tuck a leg into their feathers when they sleep to conserve heat. Luckily for me, this makes them very unstable.

Have you ever indulged in Duck Tipping? It helps keep me occupied during the early part of spring. Simply creep up to a sleeping duck and give them a quick nudge. Being nudged is never a good thing, but it becomes somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced, standing on one leg, on a perch 15 foot off the ground.

There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a rudely awoken duck.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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• Why do we link Red to Love and Anger
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Love, Anger and Communism

Dear Guru

We use colour to show ones emotions - then please explain why the colour red is used for two opposite emotions - anger and love?

** Just Wondering **

Colours are overrated. You've seen one sunset you've seen them all, especially when viewed from an elevation of 15 foot. But humans are obsessed with colours, attaching them to everything from 'Blue Mondays' to 'Orange Wednesdays', and now, due to colour overuse, we've run out.

There are more colours in existence than the non-enlightened mind can imagine, but most of them don’t have names yet. The average pilgrim can’t even name the 120 colours of crayola, yet alone the 4x10⁹ colours available on the average monitor. As such, as soon as we get beyond 'pale peach' and 'Midnight blue', we have to resort to ‘A little bit lighter than “Fuzzy-Wuzzy Brown”’ and the whole thing becomes ridiculous. The only other option is to use Hexadecimal, but, somehow, telling your sweetheart ‘their eyes are of the deepest #DEA681’ isn't quite the same.

To solve this, we assigned colours ‘themes’. For example, Black came to signify death, green, nature, and Yellow, vomit.

Red, being a hot colour, is used for things that make us passionately hot under the collar, such as love, anger or third-degree sunburn. It reminds us both of danger (such as my wife’s angry face) and of romance (such as the petite lingerie of next-door-but-one), and easily encompasses both Love and Anger as varying expressions of passion.

It may interest you to know that red stands for far more than just kisses and slaps. It is the colour of power, war, warnings, fire, sin, guilt, sex, dwarfs, communism, and of course, the wiggly line under spelling mistakes in Microsoft word. For the latter reason, if nothing else, the colour red has made the world a much better place: I dread to think where the blogosphere would be without it.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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