Why Do Birds Always Poop On My Car?

Oh wise one,
Thank you for showing that ducks need the attention they deserve.

But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?

Grimm

My feelings on birds have been made clear, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.

I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is widely believed that birds have colour preferences. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.

They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.

If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.

If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.

You could:

• Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.
  
• Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,
• Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon
  

Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.

To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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How to win the Lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.

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Helping Stacey Come

Dear Guru

Will Stacey be allowed to come tommorrow?

Darrenshine

What is stopping Stacey coming I wonder? Does she have an overly strict mother? A selfish lover? Is she forced to stay at home and cook for the children?

Does Stacey trust you? She may not want to come if she feels nervous around you. When I feel anxious, I talk to my stuffed snake, Luke. Maybe you have a stuffed snake Stacey can talk too? Maybe stroking your snake will help her feel more relaxed about coming? Try to find an average sized snake however as most woman feel intimated by very big ones.

Perhaps Stacey is agoraphobic? Does she panic when she opens the door and sees how far away the horizon is? If so this would be why she cannot come as she cannot leave her house, and it may be necessary for you to come to her instead. Blinkering Stacey may help here! A riding crop may be needed however to make her come and keep her focused.

Maybe Stacey believes coming will send the wrong message. A woman must be careful, at least until marriage, after which she will probably never come when you want her to again. If she feels she can trust you she will come eventually. Treat her to some wine, this has encouraged many women to come before.

If however, it is Stacey’s mother stopping her from coming, more drastic measures are required. Engage all your charm by letting her mother come first. By giving her mother this honour and letting her come before her daughter she will be able to see you are a caring, non-threatening, morally erect gentlemen, and Stacey will be allowed to come before you know it. As an added bonus, this 'let them come first' technique works on fathers and husbands too.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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Slightly Unbalanced Duck Tails

Dear Guru

Why do ducks tuck up one leg when sleeping?

Autolycus

Birds! Don’t get me started! Everyone thinks birds are beautiful, graceful creatures. They glide on a few air currents or sing at first light and get songs or poetry written about them. But they become somewhat less poetic when I'm meditating on top of a 15 foot pole and they use me as a perch. During mating season, I had bits of twig and straw in my hair for weeks.

Ducks are the worst of all. They beguile children to give them bread with cute stories about turning into swans, and then they excrete all over the banks of lakes and rivers, causing innocent children to fall in. They cover their wings in water droplets and then shake them dry, soaking innocent bystanders. And when innocent Guru’s are blissfully meditating on the infinite, ducks fly up next to them and squawk loudly in their ear. Being shocked is never a good thing, but it's somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced on a pole 15 foot above the ground.

I get my revenge however. Because their legs and feet have 3 times more blood running through them than the flying muscles do, ducks tuck a leg into their feathers when they sleep to conserve heat. Luckily for me, this makes them very unstable.

Have you ever indulged in Duck Tipping? It helps keep me occupied during the early part of spring. Simply creep up to a sleeping duck and give them a quick nudge. Being nudged is never a good thing, but it becomes somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced, standing on one leg, on a perch 15 foot off the ground.

There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a rudely awoken duck.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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