And that's the Tooth...

Dear Guru,
I am in the most desperate of situations and wish to seek your wisdom. My dentist has just told me that he needs to extract my wisdom teeth. Can I have yours please?

TomtheTwit

I've never been asked to give anybody a body part before. Well, except for that, and even then not very often. My wife is more the giving type, giveing love, hugs and occasional tips on how to improve myself. I've certainly never been asked to give a bone fragment. Either way, my purpose is to share wisdom, not Teeth, and as such I must decline.

Wisdom teeth are so called because they come in later in life, presumably when the grower is wiser. This was certainly true in my case, I didn’t become wise until I started listening to Luke, my toy snake. It’s amazing how much a man grows up when he stops playing around with his snake and takes it seriously instead.

Personally, I’ve never had any teeth out, wisdom or otherwise. The wife drags us to the dentist every six months, stating it’s for the Girl’s sake; she’s worse than a politician with that - anytime she wants something she'll make believe we’re doing it ‘for the children.’

The dentist always praises my teeth. Obviously the hours I spend panic brushing beforehand do their job. The Wife however always has something wrong, her teeth are so full of fillings now that the local thieves keep trying to steal them for scrap metal, and last time we went to the dentist she had to have 4 extractions. I took a whole day off from meditation just to carry her home and watch her bleed all over the couch.

I did get some fun out of it though. With her mouth too sore to eat she needed liquid food supplements instead. I’ll never quite forget the look she gave me when I mentioned quite loudly in the queue at Boots that she’d ‘forgotten to buy her Slimfast.’

Of course there are some benefits to having your wisdom teeth removed. For example, identify you from your dental records should you be killed in a plane crash. And according to rumour it makes you better at performing the act of Fellatio. Personally, I haven’t had a chance to test this, the wife spends most of her time around the neighbour’s house nowadays, but it might please you to know there are benefits to the painful extraction you are about to face, especially if you’re relatively flexible.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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• What the Devil am I doing up a Pole?
  
• Why the hell do we say Dawg?
  
• How can I make it big in journalism
  

What The Devil Am I Doing Up A Pole?

Dear Guru

Okay, there's something you can enlighten me as to ... how does a man balance atop a pole for eight hours while still managing to think clearly? Nothing for nothing there, Mr. Freelance, but it's got to be pretty uncomfortable sitting up there in that position for that long? How does one achieve enlightenment without becoming impaled?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Linda

I haven't actually 'balanced' for some time now. You may feel I’ve been lying to you, but that’s not true. Gurus never lie, they're annoyingly honest. We tell the whole truth to everyone. We can’t help it. Cheating husbands learn to stop their wives walking past us just incase.

There was a time when, a new naive guru, I did try to balance. I made it is as easy as possible. Many Gurus balance on flagpoles; I decided to balance on a telegraph pole instead.

But installing a telegraph pole in my back garden was no easy matter what with planning permission and architectural blueprints, not to mention the interior decorator. It took two cranes to hammer the pole into the ground, and by the time it was complete the neighbours had reported me as a public disturbance, although they claimed the noise had nothing to do with it.

When the pole was finally erected, which took 5 weeks for some reason, I grabbed Luke, my snake, and climbed its heights. Believing balancing to be an aid to meditation, I took a deep breath, enjoying the purer air, and raised my leg into the stance of the flying crane. I later learned this stance should only be attempted by professionals after years of training. And even then it should never be performed up a pole on a Blustery day.

Well no-one needs to tell me twice and, after 3 or 4 more attempts and several hospital stays, I installed a platform at the pole’s top, a job that required 4 men, 9 days and 54 unionised tea breaks.

I climbed onto my safer platform and stepped into my Tai Chi Kata. From the fighting monkey stance, I leaned forward into a punch slipping over on some bird mess on the way. It was probably the most dramatic Tai Chi Kata ever performed.

My wife asked me to stop balancing after that; it was ruining her lawn.

And so nowadays I sit. The pole, I’ve discovered, is the important thing. What you do at the top of it can be left between a Guru and his Snake.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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• What is the origin of 'Dawg'
  
• How can I make it big in journalism?
  
• Why do birds always poop on my car?
  

The Origins of Dawg

Dear Guru

What's the origins of the American male usage of "dawg".

Wassup dawg, you're my dawg, yeah, dawg...

Ally

I thought that this was obvious.

The word was invented by Randy of American Idol fame as a way of making the millions of viewers, all of whom have IQs that can be measured on the rictor scale, think he was cool.

Legend has it that he thought of the idea when listening to a dog howl outside his mansion in the night. The misguided judge was so impressed by the off-key intonation that he gave the dawg it's own moniker.

To this day the word dawg is used to refer to someone who is cool, sings off key, and hasn't had a bath in a month.

Marcus

Ask me your Questions

• Can I make it big in Journalism?
  
• Why do birds poop on my car?
  
• Can I keep it real after winning the Lottery?
  

Why Do Birds Always Poop On My Car?

Oh wise one,
Thank you for showing that ducks need the attention they deserve.

But please tell me why my car has become the bullseye for all bird droppings when it is not even close to a tree or building?

Grimm

My feelings on birds have been made clear, and I won't dwell on them here. Suffice to say, it was birds, and British weather, that forced me to install a clear Perspex roof over my pole. The birds found this hilarious and made it opaque within a day. I am convinced they do it deliberately. When you're stood 15 foot above the ground winged creatures perceive you as a threat and attack you anyway possible. I'm just glad horses haven’t learnt how to fly yet.

I could find no research on this topic (scientists largely being cyclists) but it is widely believed that birds have colour preferences. In nature they prefer to excrete in water, leaving no visible traces and keeping the location of their nests a secret. If your car is black, blue, or green, it may be that birds mistake it for a lake, pond or a public toilet.

They seem to especially enjoy splattering red cars. It is possible this is because they’re naturally attracted to red, the colour of berries, fruit and Virgin Broadband. Or it could simply be that birds hate a flashy car just as much as the next species.

If none of this rings true, perhaps you’re reincarnated from a python, Mongoose or Boeing 727. As you were an untimely cause of avian death in your past life, they are seeking their revenge in this one. Of course reincarnation is a fallacious fabrication with no basis in reality. But it is possible that no-one has told the birds this.

If you want to prevent birds from pooping on your car, there are several possible solutions.

You could:

• Hire some one to stand next to your car waving a bird scarer whenever you park.
  
• Cover your car in army camouflage equipment and leave it in the middle of a firing range,
• Or replace your hood ornament with a live Falcon
  

Alternatively you can paint your car the colour of bird crap -this will at least save you from having to wash it.

To be honest though, the effort is largely wasted. Birds are much like the goverment. No matter what you do, they're still crap all over you.

Hope this helps

Marcus

The Guru has the answers. Do you have the question?

• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  
• Why do we link red to love and anger?
  
• How can I win the lottery and keep it real?
  

8 Ways to keep it real after winning the lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

So you’ve done it! Against odds similar to that of being canonised, you’ve won the jackpot.

But how does one stay causal when one has enough money to use the pronoun ‘one’ in cold blood? Luckily, the guru is here to help.

1. Keep your day job! Too many winners resign just to crawl back to their janitor’s mop once funds dry up. Keep working, but make it obvious you don’t need to. Do as little work as possible, and spend all day complaining you hate your job. For most of you, this will mean business as normal.


2. Go on a Butlins family holiday with your nanny and entourage.


3. Think diamond in the rough. Buy brand-name tracksuits, heavy gold earrings, or a large amplifier for your Ford Mondeo. Surround yourself with items that brag “I’m rich, but I’m not going to brag about it.”


4. As your free time will be spent spending money, get your butler to keep you updated on the plot twists in your favourite soaps. This way you can still join in the gossip with 'the commons' around the water cooler.


5. Spend one day a year visiting the poorer districts of Monte Carlo


6. Live the same as before hitting the jackpot, but more expensively. Smoke a stronger strain of weed, drink imported German beer from chipped pint glasses, and when yelling at your illegitimate (but charming) children use expensive swear words, like ‘bugger' and 'damnation.'


7. Always be aware of the price of milk.


8. Don’t give anything to charity; the good vibes gained from buying new possessions last much longer, and will win you more respect from your friends.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

Read part 1 of this post - Guaranteed ways to win the lottery.
Do you have any tips for my Pilgrim? Comment and let me know!
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Previous Questions to the Guru
• Part 1 - How to win the Lottery
  
• Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
  
• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  

How to win the Lottery

Dear Guru

How can I win the Lottery but still keep it real?

Constant Winter

Dear Pilgrim,

Your question seems to be in 2 parts so I will answer as such.

1. How can I win the lottery

As I’ve said before, the pursuit of wealth is largely pointless. I haven’t gambled or worked for some time and the government have been extremely generous. Based on my experience, no-one need ever work at all.

However for those who wish to get rich through nationalised gambling, here are some things to bear in mind.

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not win the lottery. The odds of hitting the jackpot are 1 in 13,983,816. You are more likely to become an astronaut, be killed by an item dropped from an aeroplane, or accidentally hang yourself than scoop the big one. Even the odds of winning £10 are 55.6 to 1 meaning that for every £56 you invest in the lottery you get about £10 back. As an investment, this is only slightly more reliable than a savings bond with Northern Rock.

The only way to make any serious gains with the lottery is to join a syndicate. Syndicates are groups of people that play the lottery together so that, like at an orgy, everyone gets a piece of the action. The more players in a syndicate the more chance you have of winning, however, the more winnings have to be shared out. This is like being at an orgy and being the last in line - what you're left with just might not be worth the effort.

If you are considering joining a syndicate, try to find one with around 13,983,816 members. At least that way you’ll almost certainly win your £1 entry fee back.

With the lotttery there is only one way to guarantee a win: get employed at your local newsagent and steal scratchcards, once a day, until you find a winner. This works doubly well, because by the time you do win you’ll have reached retirement age, and be able to leave your job without any awkward questions.

Finally, if all this gambling seems like too much hard work, consider running for President instead. You’re more likely to get elected than win the Jackpot anyway and the pay is significantly better.

And of course, when you’re President, you can go to all the orgies you like.

Hope this helps

Marcus

Part 2 Coming Soon - How to keep it real! Suscribe to the Freelance guru RSS to be the first to find out.

Ask the Guru. Find your Answer

• Will Stacey be allowed to come tomorrow?
  
• Why do ducks stand on one leg?
  
• Why do we link red to love and anger?
  

Helping Stacey Come

Dear Guru

Will Stacey be allowed to come tommorrow?

Darrenshine

What is stopping Stacey coming I wonder? Does she have an overly strict mother? A selfish lover? Is she forced to stay at home and cook for the children?

Does Stacey trust you? She may not want to come if she feels nervous around you. When I feel anxious, I talk to my stuffed snake, Luke. Maybe you have a stuffed snake Stacey can talk too? Maybe stroking your snake will help her feel more relaxed about coming? Try to find an average sized snake however as most woman feel intimated by very big ones.

Perhaps Stacey is agoraphobic? Does she panic when she opens the door and sees how far away the horizon is? If so this would be why she cannot come as she cannot leave her house, and it may be necessary for you to come to her instead. Blinkering Stacey may help here! A riding crop may be needed however to make her come and keep her focused.

Maybe Stacey believes coming will send the wrong message. A woman must be careful, at least until marriage, after which she will probably never come when you want her to again. If she feels she can trust you she will come eventually. Treat her to some wine, this has encouraged many women to come before.

If however, it is Stacey’s mother stopping her from coming, more drastic measures are required. Engage all your charm by letting her mother come first. By giving her mother this honour and letting her come before her daughter she will be able to see you are a caring, non-threatening, morally erect gentlemen, and Stacey will be allowed to come before you know it. As an added bonus, this 'let them come first' technique works on fathers and husbands too.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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• Why do ducks sleep on one leg?
  
• Why do we link red to Love and Anger?
  
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Slightly Unbalanced Duck Tails

Dear Guru

Why do ducks tuck up one leg when sleeping?

Autolycus

Birds! Don’t get me started! Everyone thinks birds are beautiful, graceful creatures. They glide on a few air currents or sing at first light and get songs or poetry written about them. But they become somewhat less poetic when I'm meditating on top of a 15 foot pole and they use me as a perch. During mating season, I had bits of twig and straw in my hair for weeks.

Ducks are the worst of all. They beguile children to give them bread with cute stories about turning into swans, and then they excrete all over the banks of lakes and rivers, causing innocent children to fall in. They cover their wings in water droplets and then shake them dry, soaking innocent bystanders. And when innocent Guru’s are blissfully meditating on the infinite, ducks fly up next to them and squawk loudly in their ear. Being shocked is never a good thing, but it's somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced on a pole 15 foot above the ground.

I get my revenge however. Because their legs and feet have 3 times more blood running through them than the flying muscles do, ducks tuck a leg into their feathers when they sleep to conserve heat. Luckily for me, this makes them very unstable.

Have you ever indulged in Duck Tipping? It helps keep me occupied during the early part of spring. Simply creep up to a sleeping duck and give them a quick nudge. Being nudged is never a good thing, but it becomes somewhat worse when you're delicately balanced, standing on one leg, on a perch 15 foot off the ground.

There’s nothing quite as satisfying as a rudely awoken duck.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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• Why do we link Red to Love and Anger
• Why do we say Alright?
• Can we find Ultimate Happiness

Love, Anger and Communism

Dear Guru

We use colour to show ones emotions - then please explain why the colour red is used for two opposite emotions - anger and love?

** Just Wondering **

Colours are overrated. You've seen one sunset you've seen them all, especially when viewed from an elevation of 15 foot. But humans are obsessed with colours, attaching them to everything from 'Blue Mondays' to 'Orange Wednesdays', and now, due to colour overuse, we've run out.

There are more colours in existence than the non-enlightened mind can imagine, but most of them don’t have names yet. The average pilgrim can’t even name the 120 colours of crayola, yet alone the 4x10⁹ colours available on the average monitor. As such, as soon as we get beyond 'pale peach' and 'Midnight blue', we have to resort to ‘A little bit lighter than “Fuzzy-Wuzzy Brown”’ and the whole thing becomes ridiculous. The only other option is to use Hexadecimal, but, somehow, telling your sweetheart ‘their eyes are of the deepest #DEA681’ isn't quite the same.

To solve this, we assigned colours ‘themes’. For example, Black came to signify death, green, nature, and Yellow, vomit.

Red, being a hot colour, is used for things that make us passionately hot under the collar, such as love, anger or third-degree sunburn. It reminds us both of danger (such as my wife’s angry face) and of romance (such as the petite lingerie of next-door-but-one), and easily encompasses both Love and Anger as varying expressions of passion.

It may interest you to know that red stands for far more than just kisses and slaps. It is the colour of power, war, warnings, fire, sin, guilt, sex, dwarfs, communism, and of course, the wiggly line under spelling mistakes in Microsoft word. For the latter reason, if nothing else, the colour red has made the world a much better place: I dread to think where the blogosphere would be without it.

Hope this helps.

Marcus

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• Why do we ask Alright?
  
• Can we Find Ultimate Happiness
  
• Why Don't the German's speak proper English
  

Why do we say 'Alright'?

Dear Guru,

Why is it that people greet each other with "Alright" but don't actually answer the question? For example I walk into the office and see J, here's our conversation:

J: Alright
X: Alright
[End]
Please help me guru it is a conundrum that needs solving.

Xander

I envy the cordial greeting you enjoy! Most greetings sent my way begin, "What the," and end, "do you think you're doing?" Prophets are always despised in their own house, possibly because they're always meditating when it comes time to wash up.

This 'Alright' greeting is not as strange as you may think. As a country, we previously greeted each other by saying 'A hoy hoy!' After that, we tried asking 'How do you do?', but, as the appropriate answer was 'How do you do?', it formed a vicious greeting-cycle which trapped hundreds of innocent people for years. 'How do you do?' was finally scrapped in the early 1990' and 'Alright' took it's place. It has worked well for two reasons.

Firstly, being British, we despise the American trait of 'unnecessary talking', as exploited during any Oscar speech. For this reason, 'Alright' is both a question (Alright?) and an answer (Alright!), saving the effort of 'Are you' and 'Yes I'm' . With the added benefit that it needed to be said just once each, 'Alright?' allowed us to shorten conversations by several seconds, and go back to ignoring the other person much quicker than previously.

Secondly, when we ask 'Alright?', the responder understands that we don't actually want to know. 'Alright' is not supposed to be answered, or at least not answered honestly. It is the equivalent of 'Hello' and as such saves us from having to actually talk to people. It would be extremely awkward for any Brit if, on asking 'Alright?', they got the reply, "No! I can't make this months mortgage payment , my house is being repossessed, my wife is having an affair with the Milkman and the Window Cleaner, my back is killing me, I'm going blind, there's a rash around my third nipple, I'm chronically impotent, and my hamster died yesterday. Alright?"

In short, without 'Alright?' we'd spend so much time counselling each other that we'd never actually get any work done, causing the pound to weaken and the economy to collapse; before long there would be even more repossessions to moan about, and the vicious greeting-cycle would begin all over again. And one only need look at America's economy to see exactly where that would get us. Unnecessary talking costs lives. Alright?

Hope this Helps.

Marcus

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• Can we find ultimate happiness?
  
• Why don't the Germans speak English?
  
• Did you used to be a Simon?
  

Can we find Ultimate Happiness?

Dear Freelance Guru,

Ultimate happiness. Think it can be achieved? If yes, how would you describe it?

Mystery*

Buddha believed in ultimate happiness. He believed that to find Nirvana you must free yourself from desire. This is rubbish of course. To quote the great philosopher Will Young, losing desire means you ‘lose the highs to be spared the lows.’ As such all that can truly be experienced is an ultimate state of ‘meh.’ Besides, based on his depictions, Buddha was a fat, jolly man and a thin, serious one, making him a schizophrenic and about as trustworthy as Fox News.

You yourself are proof that ultimate happiness is impossible. Your smiles last for only a moment, normally a reaction to something good, such as a funny joke, or a brilliant Guru blog. However this state of ‘good’ lasts only a small amount of time. If it didn’t, each subsequent thing would have to be better than the last in order for us to feel as good about it, until the world became one happy, bouncy ball of bunnies and page three models. At which point there would be nothing to strive for. Everything would be good. And we would all be bored. With nothing to make us feel bad we would have no reason to feel good at all. And as a loud noise eventually fades into the background, so our good feelings would become dull and invisible. Plus, everyone would be smiling all the time which would just be disturbing.

Finally, it is impossible to define the Ultimate anything; one man’s trash is another man’s Blue Peter Model; ultimate happiness means different things to everyone: one person becoming happy would mean another could not. For example, my wife’s way of finding happiness is to nag me, where as mine is to hide on the top of my pole, listening to my iPod and pulling the ladder up behind me. The two are mutually exclusive, and it would be the same for everyone else. At most only 50% of the world could be happy at any one time; we would have to take it in turns and be happy every other week. And this would be far from anyone's idea of ultimate happiness, unless, of course, they were a little bit Buddha.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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• Why can't the Germans Speak proper English?
• Did I used to be a Simon?
• Why do we celebrate Mother's day?

Why don't the Germans speak proper English?

Dear Guru,

I live here in Germany and can't help but wonder why it is that the Germans have a different word for practically everything over here. A different English word, I mean. They say "Handy" when they mean cell phone and "Talkshow" when they mean talk show, for instance. I've been told that you have lots of different words in your country, too (I'm an American), but I can understand you guys a whole lot better, usually. So like what is it with these Germans and their German English anyway?

Thanks, Clarsonimus.

Thank you for letting me know that you are American. As I want you to understand my reply I will type very slowly. It took me a while to find this answer, the infinite was not an expert on Languages and Luke is strictly a English snake. But thankfully, being all knowing, I merely needed to re-awaken my knowledge which I eventually achieved by searching Wikipedia and about.com. I hope you will consider all this effort when you pass the prayer bowl on the way out.

I do try not to pass blame; all in this world are equal, or at least all those who have not transcended to Guru Status. In this instance however, I cannot help it: This mixing of the 2 languages is your fault.

The merge happened after World War II largely due to English speakers, like yourself, migrating to Germany and hogging all the sun-beds, forcing the Germans to migrate elsewhere and hog the sun-beds there. As a result, and as English became the global business language, the two languages pooled, and, overtime, words like Workshop and Meeting crept into the German vocabulary. Germany welcomed the change. After the mess they'd made during World War II they pretty much had too.

It had the added benefit that the language became slightly camp, making Germans seem less threatening. For example, the word Handy, unique in Denglish, comes from a 1940 Motorola Walkie-talkie model, the Handie-talkie, and is possibly the least threatening word a German can use. The sight of a middle-age German man, frantically searching for his mobile phone and muttering ‘Wo ist mein Handy?', is enough to make a heterosexual male pluck his eyebrows and wear lycra for a month.

However, none of this explains why you can understand us English better than them Germans. This is because both the Americans and the English speak English, which is extremely helpful when it comes to communication. The Germans however, speak German.

Hope this helps

Marcus

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Pilgrim's Identity Crisis

A un-enlightened soul has come to me.
Here is the knowledge they seek.

Dear Freelance Guru

Were you known as Simon?
You look like a Simon...

Pre-Enlightenment

Thank you for your question pilgrim.

Since starting this blog I have been surprised how many times I've been asked this question. It confuses me somewhat, because I had rather intended the Ask the Guru form to allow people to come to me seeking Wisdom, instead of causing me to have an identity crisis. But then, of course, thanks to my weeks of private devotions, I am never confused for long.

You state in you Question that I 'look like a Simon.' In order to affirm this, I searched 'Simon' on Google Images. These are the first 3 results.

Now then, exactly which of these 3 are you suggesting I look like?

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• Why do we celebrate Mothers day?


• Who will win the 2008 Elections?

Ask the Guru - Holiday Mum

Yet another weary traveller has made the arduous trek to my blog seeking wisdom. If they keep coming at this rate, I'm going to have to expand my pole to include a waiting room.

Dear Freelance Guru.

Why do we celebrate mothers' day? My boyfriend and I have a bet about it and it's beginning to get violent.

Relationship Issues

I just don’t get Mothers’ day. Motherhood isn’t an annual event, unless you’re a highly fertile Catholic. Having one day a year when you act more ‘motherly’ than the other 364 would normally result in a visit from Social Services.

It all started in Britain in the 16th Century as a day to visit your Mother-church, possibly to present status reports on the plans to conquer Earth. After the Civil War however, Anna Jarvis stole the idea for America, warping it to give servants a day off so they could annoy their mothers by hanging around the house. It’s interesting to note that 9 years later Miss Jarvis hated her holiday so much she rallied against it. Nowadays, Mothers day is little more than an excuse for Mothers to lie about while their kids run around doing a terrible job of the housework. Several other ‘special days’ have spun off from it, such as Fathers’ Day, Grandparents’ Day and Professional Administrators’ Day. Personally, I’ve been trying to publicize Guru Day - a day when I can stop being a guru and get off this pole. Weekends and bank holidays are just not enough…

But of course, mothers are blessed, they deserve a special day, and we should be thankful for them. I seldom see mine and I’m highly thankful for that. An elevation of 15 foot gives me plenty of time to turn on my iPod, close my eyes and pretend I can’t hear her shouting up at me. This is for her benefit as well as mine. She struggles to handle my infinite wisdom and, apparently, talking to me ‘exhausts her.’

And at her age, I feel it’s only right to let her rest.

Previous Posts - Who will win the 2008 Elections?

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Presidential Predictions

A seeker of truth has sought me for advice.

Dear Freelance Guru
Can you tell me who win the 2008 Election, preferably before they stop taking bets?

Congressional Gambler.

Thank you for your question, seeker of enlightenment.

You fail to mention which election you are interested in. I, for one, am eagerly awaiting the results of the 2008 Bristol Book Club Elections. My money’s on Irene: her policy on multi-genre reviewing etiquette has made her quite a hit with the younger generation. Although, of course, I have evolved beyond the concept of wealth and no longer indulge in gambling. I always lose any